On the 12th of January, 2023, my daughter Ming died in Maui. All her life she had avoided doctors and medical matters, so that by the time a biopsy revealed the cancer it was very advanced. As we expected, she refused the radiation and chemotherapy and surgery she was automatically offered, and which, at best, might only have prolonged her life a little.
Living in Hawaii, she had an option now legally available in 11 states in America: The collective name of the law is "Death With Dignity," and it allows a terminally ill patient with mental capacity and the backing of two doctors to obtain medication and choose when to end her or his own life without government interference. In Hawaii, the law is called "Our Care Our Choice Act," and it was Ming’s choice.
It would never have occurred to me that death could be beautiful. Ming’s death was deeply sad, of course; she was only 67, and she was leaving three grown children and several grandchildren as well as us, her loving brother and sister and mother and many friends. But the way she chose to leave us was truly, unforgettably, beautiful.
As soon as Maui’s wonderful hospice became involved, they had put a fentanyl patch on Ming’s shoulder, which meant that she had been almost free of pain for some time. On the day she had chosen to be her last, one of her sons carried her out onto the deck of her little house up in the hills, and her other son and daughter helped make her cozy among the flower-scattered cushions in a long chair, and then they connected her, as they had been doing every day since her diagnosis, by Face Time to me, here in Idaho. She was so peaceful, so calm, so sure that her husband Gary, drowned in a diving accident some 30 years previously, was waiting with open arms to welcome her at the end of her last journey. I could hear soft flute music being played by a friend nearby, and I was shown the candles and flowers everywhere, and the homemade leis all the family were wearing. Then they put a crown of flowers on Ming’s head, and she and I said our last goodbye and blew each other kisses, and then my laptop screen went dark.
Soon after, they gave her what she called "her cocktail," and before long she drifted gently off to sleep, cushioned and surrounded with the love of her family, just as she had wished. And an hour or so later, her brave little heart stopped beating.
Surely our children are not supposed to die before their parents?
But Ming’s death in this modern and enlightened age has shown me that the horrors and protracted suffering of death endured by so many in my parents’ generation, (and many still today) need no longer be the rule. I do hope that soon everyone, everywhere, will be able to end their lives the way Ming was able to do: with grace and dignity and—so much beauty.
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(7) comments
This is all well and good, but my pastor tells me this is wrong so I'm going to make you suffer for my beliefs.
-Conservative Christians.
Just another step down what the Catholic Church leaders have called the "slippery slope" so vividly illustraded by what Saint John Paul II called "The Culture of Death." around the World and in this country today.
John Paul II also helped child rapists escape justice and is essentially an accomplice to tens of thousands of acts of unspeakable horror.
He can take his moral authority and shove it.
All of the legalized assisted suicide laws create the perfect crime by prohibiting investigations, requiring falsification of death certificates and requiring no provision for a witness to the so called self administration of the poison…
Peace be with you.
That was so beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing. What a compassionate, dignified and beautiful way to go out.
Thank you for that story Diana. I wish all of the United States had death with dignity laws. These laws are compassionate and humane.
Welcome to the discussion.
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