The Republican National Convention, a humbly massive celebration of the awesomeness of President Donald Trump, is scheduled for August in North Carolina, but it may have to relocate.

“Why?” you ask, your voice not muffled by the tyranny of a liberal coronavirus mask. Because, as President Trump tweeted on Memorial Day, taking time away from honoring his many sacrifices, the state’s “Democrat Governor” is “still in Shutdown mood & unable to guarantee that by August we will be allowed full attendance in the Arena.”

The nerve of that governor, suggesting that 50,000 visitors to Charlotte and a capacity crowd at the city’s 20,000-seat Spectrum Center might pose a public health threat during the COVID-19 pandemic. Sure, the highly contagious virus has already killed about 100,000 Americans, and many states, including North Carolina, are still seeing increasing numbers of new cases and deaths. But what about things that really matter, like giving President Trump an enormous audience to make him feel loved?

Do North Carolinians really think their health is more important than welcoming 50,000 potential disease vectors to the state to deliver an appropriate level of presidential adoration?

In his tweets, Trump demanded that Gov. Roy Cooper give Republicans the all-clear for August’s convention: “They must be immediately given an answer by the Governor as to whether or not the space will be allowed to be fully occupied. If not, we will be reluctantly forced to find, with all of the jobs and economic development it brings, another Republican National Convention site.”

Cooper’s office responded: “State health officials are working with the RNC and will review its plans as they make decisions about how to hold the convention in Charlotte. North Carolina is relying on data and science to protect our state’s public health and safety.”

Data and science? Who do they think they’re dealing with, Democrats? This is about gut instinct, and Trump’s gut is telling him he’s bored of the coronavirus, the 100,000 people who died were just faking it to make him look bad, and he wants to hear people chant his name loudly without masks.

So I have a perfect idea. Give North Carolina a patriotic one-finger salute, drive the GOP National Convention down the east coast of Florida, take a left at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago beach resort and keep going about 10 miles out into the Atlantic Ocean. There you will find several Carnival cruise ships tied together with Freedom Rope, ready to host thousands of eager Republicans.

Those of you who lack foresight are probably asking, “Why would the GOP want to hold its convention on conjoined cruise ships off the coast of Florida during peak hurricane season rather than just working with North Carolina health officials to provide a safe, scientifically sound event?”

You people who lack foresight sure are dumb. The reasons are quite simple:

1) By sticking with North Carolina and abiding by whatever coronavirus restrictions the state has in place, the president risks acknowledging the pandemic hasn’t magically disappeared. That would likely make him mad, and you don’t want the guest of honor to be mad. That’s Party Planning 101.

2) If Trump tried to move the GOP convention to one of his Florida properties, either Mar-a-Lago or the Trump National Doral Miami, the Fake News media would claim he’s trying to profit off the convention. But if he moves the event offshore, it won’t be his fault if conventiongoers decide to stay at Mar-a-Lago or Doral and get ferried—via Trump-branded Super Duper Ferries, only $500 each way—back and forth to the convention while wearing Trump-branded life preservers ($50/per day rental, life preservation not guaranteed) and taking out MAGA-approved hurricane insurance policies through Trump Insurance Service.

3) Trump will be able to say the convention is helping the nation “Transition to Greatness” by boosting his friend Micky Arison’s Carnival Corp., a great American business that patriotically avoids taxes by registering as a foreign corporation. Perhaps Carnival could provide the cruise ships and the Freedom Rope, along with a daily all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet unencumbered by radical left-wing creations like sneeze guards. Carnival’s largest ships can hold about 4,000 passengers, but to demonstrate the GOP’s commitment to deregulation, it would only take three ships, each running 2,700 passengers over capacity, to accommodate the 20,000 who would have fit in the North Carolina arena.

4) By holding the convention aboard overfilled boats off the coast of Florida during hurricane season in the middle of a pandemic, the GOP would have a perfect opportunity to stick it to godless liberals and demonstrate the power of prayer. (If that didn’t work, the GOP would be able to blame godless liberals for the unfortunate tragedy, thus nullifying all insurance payouts from Trump Insurance Service.)

The only other necessary step would be to properly brand the relocated Republican National Convention.

Here’s my proposal: “The 2020 Mighty Trump Presidential Celebration-of-Victory-Over-Coronavirus Flotilla of Magnificence GOP National Convention featuring America’s Greatest President, Donald J. Trump.”

There would also be hats for sale that read: “FLOATING MAGA.” (That stands for: “Fantastic Landless Out-of-this-world Amazing Triumph In Never Grifting while Making America Great Again.”)

It’s a perfect plan. And it’s in no way a setup for future history book chapters titled: “The FLOATING MAGA Coronavirus Outbreak of 2020.”

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