As an ardent supporter of (our great) President Donald Trump, I say it’s high time he demand formal apologies from his two most notorious and dishonest critics: numbers and words.

Let’s start with numbers, which, thanks to extreme radical-leftist concepts like “math,” have become outspoken critics of the president, showing absolutely no respect for the office.

Between polling numbers and numbers relating to the (TOTALLY SOLVED!) coronavirus pandemic, there’s a clear anti-Trump bias, likely a numerical conspiracy cooked up by Deep State arithmeticians and other assorted sorcerers.

Here are a few recent examples of insidious integers.

The COVID Response Tracking Study, conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago, found only 14 percent of American adults describe themselves as very happy. That number is clearly lying.

In 2018, the research group found 31 percent of American adults were very happy. So despite the fact that we’ve had two additional years of President Trump making America great again, you’re going to tell me the number of very happy people in the country has been cut in half?

If that figure was true, I’m 130 percent sure Trump would have let us know. (According to Trump, Trump has lied zero times since taking office.)

As if that wasn’t enough evidence that statistics have been infiltrated by antifa, check out these doozies.

According to “counting,” a practice closely associated with communism, more than 115,000 Americans have died of COVID-19, directly contradicting President Trump’s claim that the country’s coronavirus response has been a great success.

Numbers are also attempting to harm the president’s upcoming rally in Oklahoma, the first he has had since the pandemic began.

The Oklahoma State Department of Health reported a record 225 new coronavirus cases Saturday, and the numbers have been increasing since late May. Those numbers directly, and rudely, contradict Vice President Mike Pence’s statement regarding the Trump rally: “The number of cases in Oklahoma has declined precipitously.”

Who are you going to believe? Radical numbers or Trump’s deeply religious vice president? I, for one, choose God.

But wait, it gets even more ridiculous. A recent poll conducted for American Greatness, a (smartly) pro-Trump website, included socialist numbers claiming Biden is leading Trump 50 percent to 40 percent in Florida and is up 13 points in Michigan.

Can you believe that? Even a group that supports our magnificent president can’t count on numbers to behave like patriots. It’s the craziest thing I’ve heard since someone said, “Hillary Clinton didn’t single-handedly attack the U.S. consulate in Benghazi.”

And that’s why President Trump must demand an apology. From numbers.

His reelection campaign recently demanded that CNN apologize for and retract a poll that showed Biden leading Trump 55 percent to 41 percent nationally.

In a letter to CNN, the campaign wrote: “Media polls such as these are designed to manufacture an anti-Trump narrative and misinform and mislead actual voters. It’s a stunt and a phony poll to cause voter suppression, stifle momentum and enthusiasm for the President, and present a false view generally of the actual support across America for the President.”

There is no way any American should stand by and let numbers stifle momentum and enthusiasm for our capital-P President. We know Trump’s support is through the roof. He tells us that every time he opens his mouth.

The Trump campaign needs to send a similarly forceful letter to wherever numbers come from (possibly some giant calculator in billionaire George Soros’ office?). They need to demand that numbers get in line, stop lying and start fairly representing the near-universal love Americans have for Donald Trump.

The same goes for words.

There are two upcoming word boxes (books) likely to contain misbehaving words eager to attack the president.

One is written by Trump’s niece, Mary Trump, and its reported title is an already VERY WRONG collection of words: “Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man.” (It’s clear the terrible word “Dangerous” overtook the very good word “Dignified” and canceled it the way liberals have canceled so many of our great words.)

According to a description of the book on Amazon, the niece “explains how specific events and general family patterns created the damaged man who currently occupies the Oval Office.”

LYING WORDS! The man who currently occupies the Oval Office is not damaged. He is the least-damaged president in American history, even less damaged that Honest Abe!

Trump niece’s words, which will come out July 28, should immediately apologize.

The second book is written by Trump’s former national security adviser, John Bolton, a dreadful man known for corrupting words with his mustache. That book, “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir,” will discuss “the president’s inconsistent, scattershot decision-making process” and include this assemblage of word-traitors: “I am hard-pressed to identify any significant Trump decision during my tenure that wasn’t driven by reelection calculations.”

GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN-WORDS! What a scurrilous allegation. There is nothing —and I mean nothing—aside from so-called “overwhelming evidence” to suggest that President Trump factors reelection into every single decision he makes.

Again, like the liberal numbers, these disreputable words must be held accountable and, ideally, prosecuted by Attorney General William Barr.

Nobody wants to live in a country where words and numbers are taken seriously.

Take action, Mr. President. The optimism of your supporters depends on it!


Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. This column was published on Sunday, June 17.

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