Right-wing radio host Rush Limbaugh, who daily demonstrates what would happen if a landfill learned to vent its decomposition gases into a microphone, has smartly weighed in on Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg: “America’s still not ready to elect a gay guy kissing his husband on the debate stage.”

America’s most-recent Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient makes an excellent point. There’s simply no way this country is ready for the kind of disgusting, hardcore monogamy Buttigieg has been demonstrating.

What politician would dare to publicly show affection toward his or her spouse, aside from literally every politician ever? It’s an absolute outrage.

During his Wednesday radio show, Limbaugh noted: “Mayor Pete, 37-year-old gay guy, mayor of South Bend, loves to kiss his husband on the debate stage.”

He loves it! That Buttigieg guy, who is actually 38, just can’t get enough of kissing the person with whom he’s in a committed and loving relationship. GROSS!

There is nobody on those Democratic debate stages who would do that, aside from everybody.

Continuing his definitely-not-homophobic monologue, Limbaugh said: “And they’re saying, OK, how’s this going to look, 37-year-old gay guy kissing his husband on stage next to Mr. Man Donald Trump?”

Ah, yes, Mr. Man Donald Trump. Just imagine what that Mr.-Man man would do to a spouse-smoocher like Buttigieg.

“Can you see Trump have fun with that?” Limbaugh asked.

Hoo-boy, I can see that, all right. Our Mr. Man president would surely have a field day facing off against Buttigieg and teaching him what it’s like to be a real Mr.-Man-man-type Man of the Macho-verse.

Limbaugh, who we know is important because Trump awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, presumably for his diligent work teaching manly stuff to American manly men, clearly sees Trump as an icon of manliness. So I assume Trump would tear Buttigieg apart by highlighting all the differences between the former South Bend mayor and himself.

A real man like President Trump would never kiss his wife on the debate stage. She tries to swat his hand away whenever possible and looks at him like he’s a cross between Jabba the Hutt and a hunk of moldy Velveeta. That’s a real-man relationship!

And Trump, unlike “37-year-old gay guy” Mayor Pete, who is actually 38, is way too manly to serve in the military. Mr. Man Donald Trump got five man-tastic draft deferments during the Vietnam War, whereas Buttigieg was unmanly enough to get himself deployed to Afghanistan in 2014 as part of his service in the U.S. Navy Reserve. What a weenie.

Buttigieg doesn’t own companies that have declared bankruptcies six times. (So unmanly.)

He is not on his third wife. (Super unmanly.)

He has never been caught on tape speaking about sexually assaulting women and saying, “Grab ‘em by the p----,” as Mr. Manly Trump has said. (Devoid of manliness.)

Can you imagine if these two were to meet on a debate stage and Buttigieg was to have the gall to embrace and kiss the man he swore an oath to love and honor while uber-man Donald Trump man-nificently ignored the wife he (allegedly) cheated on with an adult-film star while she was home with their newborn child? That would be so embarrassing for Buttigieg.

Here’s hoping Democrats pay attention to Presidential Medal of Freedom honoree and man-expert Rush Limbaugh and find themselves a candidate who is manly enough for America to embrace without kissing. Someone who won’t be so easily outmanned by Mr. Man Donald Trump.

Kissing a spouse! What’s this country coming to?

Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

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