While Sen. Bernie Sanders is now the front-runner in the Democratic presidential primary, there’s still ample confusion over which of the remaining candidates stands the best chance of beating President Donald Trump in November.
To help straighten things out, I’ve assembled my own expert panel of political pundits, much like the very important and always accurate ones you see on television 24 hours a day. My panel will offer an array of correct opinions on what the future holds.
Here are some quick introductions. To my right is Zap Bernie. He’s a longtime political operative, head of the advocacy group Marijuana4All and a vocal supporter of Bernie Sanders.
Just to Zap’s right is Chad Centriston. He has spent most of his career in Democratic politics and currently sits on the board of three Fortune 500 companies. He fears a Sanders candidacy and believes a centrist such as Mayor Pete Buttigieg or former Vice President Joe Biden has the best chance of taking down Trump.
On my left is Dan MAGA. He’s a longtime Republican activist who recently had his last name legally changed to reflect his devotion to President Trump. His hobbies include “owning the libs” and screaming at immigrants and he believes no Democrat can beat the current president.
As you can see, my panelists are all older Caucasian men, and none of them have given any thought to the two remaining women in the Democratic primary, whatever their names are.
So here we go. My first question is to Zap Bernie. Zap, what makes you think Sen. Sanders is the right pick for this election?
ZAP BERNIE: “Look, man, this is a revolution. This country needs a revolution, and Bernie Sanders is leading that revolution. Americans are truly revolting. They’ve never been more revolting, you know what I’m saying?”
No, I do not.
ZAP: “What I’m saying is it’s time for the people rise up and take the power back from the rich who’ve been running this country for too long. Bernie is the only candidate who can build the grassroots movement.”
DAN MAGA: “TRUMP 2020! KEEP AMERICA GREAT! YOU SUCK, YOU SOCIALIST PUKE!”
Excuse me, Dan, I’ll get to you in a moment.
Zap, what do you say to the concerns of people like Dan who worry about socialism.
ZAP: “First of all, Bernie is a Democratic socialist, not a regular socialist.”
Can you explain the difference to our viewers?
ZAP: “Oh, isn’t that just like the corporate media. I don’t see you asking that kind of question to capitalist pigs like Joe Biden or Mayor Pete.”
Well ... they’re not ...
CHAD CENTRISTON: “If I can cut in here, I think what a majority of Americans want is a reasonable voice who can end the acrimony in politics and bring the nation together.”
OK, Chad, how would either Biden or Buttigieg do that?
CHAD: “It’s simple. I’ve been in this business for a long time and I can tell you that the candidate who gets 270 or more Electoral College votes will be the next president. And the best person to do that is the person who winds up doing that.”
Ummmm ... well, yes. That’s technically accurate. But what specifically does that say about any of the centrist candidates?
OK. Next I’m going to turn to Dan MAGA and ask...
DAN: “WOOOOOOOOO!! THE TRUMP TRAIN AIN’T STOPPIN’, BABY! FOUR...MORE...YEARS! FOUR...MORE...YEARS!”
CHAD: “You see, it’s this kind of divisiveness that former Vice President Biden or Mayor Pete or possibly Mike Bloomberg or really anyone who isn’t Bernie Sanders or that other really progressive one ... what’s her name?”
Isn’t it Elizabeth Warren?
CHAD: “Yeah, that’s it. What I was saying was that the only way we win in November is with someone who represents the folks in the middle.”
How do you know that?
CHAD: “Because people give me money to say that and money is never wrong. Do you happen to have any mayonnaise?”
No. The next question I have is...
ZAP: “You see, this is exactly what Americans don’t want anymore.”
ZAP: “No, typical status quo ideas from a bunch of one-percenters who don’t care about THE PEOPLE! The only person who will beat Trump ...”
ZAP: “... who will beat Trump in November is Bernie Sanders. Period. There’s no choice.”
What do you base that on?
ZAP: “I’m a pundit.”
But so are the other two people on the panel.
ZAP: “Yes, but I’m right and the truth is on our side.”
CHAD: “No, the truth is I’m right.”
DAN: “FAKE NEWS! TRUMP IN A LANDSLIDE, BABY!! You got any of that mayonnaise?”
I DON’T HAVE ANY MAYONNAISE!
DAN: “Geez, relax, snowflake.”
Getting back on track, I’d like to hear from each of you about the two remaining women in the Democratic primary race. I’m told it’s Warren and Amy Klobuchar.
ZAP: “Bernie or bust!”
CHAD: “I admire Klobuchar’s centrism and connections to America’s heartland, and Warren is a fighter, but they’re both just a bit too ... what’s the word I’m looking for?”
CHAD: “Yes, that’s correct. And I wish they’d smile more.”
DAN: “TRUMP THAT B ...”
Well, gentlemen, that’s about all the time we have for today. I want to thank you three for adding absolutely nothing to the conversation, further deadening the senses of viewers exposed day-in-and-day-out to this kind of future-telling claptrap and demonstrating why the white patriarchy maintains its chokehold on American politics.
ZAP: “You bet, buddy.”
CHAD: “It was moderately fine to be here.”
DAN: “KEEP AMERICA GREAT!”
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.