Hello, technical support? I recently subscribed to Cancel Culture and I’m having some issues. It doesn’t seem to be working.

I’m watching the impeachment hearing and I can still see all these annoying Republican lawmakers who support President Donald Trump. You know, the ones who never shut up about Cancel Culture being bad and always complain about being canceled?

Yeah, they keep still being there. They don’t seem to be canceled at all. And I can hear them, because they’re talking into cameras during a nationally televised congressional proceeding.

I know, it’s weird, right? When I subscribed, I assumed the “Cancel” part of “Cancel Culture” meant I would no longer see or hear the people I wanted to cancel. Like if I was just sick of Ohio Republican Rep. Jim Jordan’s constant faux-victimhood, Cancel Culture would just mute him and he’d vanish in a poof of stupidity vapor.

No. No, that’s not happening. I still see him, he’s right in this impeachment hearing, just going on about Cancel Culture and how it’s bad.

Listen, I’ll hold the phone up to the TV and you can hear this Jordan guy: “Do you have a functioning First Amendment when cancel culture only allows one side to talk?”

Did you hear that? It’s crazy, right? He’s literally saying only one side is able to talk while he is talking. That’s why I signed up for Cancel Culture. Just wanted to weed this kind of nonsense out of my life.

Geez, this Jordan guy just keeps going: “This is about canceling the president and canceling all the people you guys disagree with.”

C’mon, man, you had hundreds of pro-Trump domestic terrorists in your workplace last week trying to literally cancel some of your colleagues. They were chanting, “Hang Mike Pence!” And just today you wanted to cancel Republican Rep. Liz Cheney and remove her from her leadership position because she disagrees with you and supports impeaching Trump!

What a bunch of …oh, sorry. Yeah, I’m still here.

No, that didn’t work, I still see him. Look, I know you’re just tech support, but I’m really not impressed with this Cancel Culture so far, I gotta be honest. I mean, I’ve been watching this impeachment hearing all day and the screen is filthy with these Republicans saying impeachment is too divisive, just a week after they said they wanted to overturn a free and fair election! Seems like your service should at least be screening some of that out, right?

Well, thanks, I appreciate the apology. I know you’re doing what you can.

Should I try turning it off and then back on again? Let’s see if that worked.

Hmmmm. Someone’s talking. Who is this?

Oh, lord, it’s Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene from Georgia, the whack-a-doodle QAnon conspiracy theorist. Yeah, I can see her clear as a bell. And get this—she’s wearing a mask with the word “CENSORED” on it.

I know, right? She’s blathering about something live on national television, but she thinks she’s censored. Good grief.

I shouldn’t be seeing her at all, right?

It’s bonkers, right? It’s like white privilege had a baby with entitlement and sent it to the University of Zero Consequences.

So clearly my Cancel Culture isn’t working. I don’t expect it to catch everything, but surely I wouldn’t be seeing all these lie-gargling dingle-heads publicly spewing their dizzying blither-blather into microphones while wailing about being canceled, right?

What? Whoa. Are you serious? I know you shouldn’t be telling me that, but wow. This whole Cancel Culture thing is just a scam to make money and excuse bad behavior?

I can’t believe I fell for that. Well, thanks for telling me. I guess I’ll cancel my service. You can do that, right?

OK, great. Yeah, you have a good rest of the day too.

I’m gonna turn off the TV and stop listening to these opportunistic liars.

Turns out I could cancel them on my own all along.


Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

Load comments