Great news, fellow Americans. Our tax dollars may now be used to help defend President Donald Trump in a defamation lawsuit brought by a woman who claims Trump raped her!

I don’t know about you all, but when I think about how I want the government to use my money, the first thing that comes to mind is: Keep America safe. But the second thing is: Keep President Trump safe from a deposition and possibly a DNA test that could prove conclusively whether he raped journalist E. Jean Carroll and defamed her by calling her a liar and saying he never met her and “she’s not my type.”

On Tuesday, attorneys with the U.S. Justice Department asked that Carroll’s defamation lawsuit be moved from New York state courts to federal court, meaning the defendant would become the U.S. government and not President Trump. The attorneys assert that Trump was “acting within the scope of his office as President of the United States” in 2019 when he denied Carroll’s allegation that he raped her more than two decades ago in a New York City department store.

This would accomplish two very sensible things: Trump won’t have to pay legal costs, because government attorneys will handle the case; if Trump loses, we, the taxpayers, get the honor of paying any damages that are awarded!

And as a bonus, it slows Carroll’s case down. A state judge in New York recently issued a ruling that might have required President Trump to be deposed before the Nov. 3 presidential election. Who needs that kind of embarrassment, right?

Carroll sued Trump last November, saying that after she published a book claiming he raped her, Trump lied in interviews by saying he never met her. Could all this be cleared up with a simple DNA test? Probably. But it hardly seems fair that the president should be forced to do something he doesn’t want to do.

Having we the people shoulder the cost of his legal defense seems the least we can do after all this president has done for us. Things like: building a wall that exists if we believe hard enough; owning the libs; not criticizing white criminals as long as they support him; and saving America from the coronavirus by only letting 189,000 (at last count) Americans die rather than ALL Americans.

The Justice Department’s filings in federal court in Manhattan are being called “unprecedented” simply because before William Barr, no previous U.S. attorney general had the guts to interpret the laws in ways that are both nakedly corrupt and intellectually ridiculous. It’s genius, assuming you’re a patriot who cares about protecting President Trump from criticism more than you care about silly things like “laws” and “the appearance of a functioning democracy.”

Roberta Kaplan, Carroll’s lawyer, said this about the justice department’s motion and its timing relative to the New York judge’s recent ruling: “Realizing that there was no valid basis to appeal that decision in the New York courts, on the very day that he would have been required to appeal, Trump instead enlisted the U.S. Department of Justice to replace his private lawyers and argue that when he lied about sexually assaulting our client, explaining that she ‘wasn’t his type,’ he was acting in his official capacity as President of the United States. Even in today’s world, that argument is shocking. It offends me as a lawyer, and offends me even more as a citizen. Trump’s effort to wield the power of the U.S. government to evade responsibility for his private misconduct is without precedent, and shows even more starkly how far he is willing to go to prevent the truth from coming out.”

To which I say: “Blah, blah, blah.” Apparently Kaplan forgot the true motto of the America Trump has made great again: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what your country can do to help Donald Trump.”

This Justice Department move comes on the heels of reports that Trump’s re-election campaign is short on money, with a considerable chunk of its once-massive war chest already spent on legal bills. I’m sure that is no way connected to having the government take over his legal defense in the Carroll case, but the bottom line is that we, the taxpayers, need to make sure as much of our money as possible is going to Trump.

His next move should be to order the Federal Reserve to replenish his campaign coffers. He should also make sure the DOJ is handling any Trump family legal matters, like parking tickets, bankruptcies or indictments for operating fraudulent charities.

It would also be helpful for the president if the Department of the Interior declared all Trump properties National Historic Landmarks, NASA built a Trump Casino & Spaceport on the moon and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Service defined fast food as “extremely healthy.”

As an avid supporter of this president, I encourage him to use as much of my money as possible to further his own interests. Because, as the Justice Department’s intervention in Carroll’s defamation lawsuit shows us, conclusively, America and Donald Trump are now one and the same.


Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. This column was originally published on  Sept. 9.

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