Since the coronavirus outbreak began, I have followed the lead of every American with a Twitter account and become an expert virologist.
Rather than hoard my vast and recently acquired knowledge, I’m going to share a few vital tips and observations with the masses. My only request is that you revere me as “the guy who saved us all.”
My hand-washing technique will allow me to “win the outbreak”
By now you’ve heard the primary defense against the coronavirus is proper hand washing, something no Americans were apparently doing prior to COVID-19.
The experts—of whom I am one—say you should wash your hands with soap for 20 seconds, rinse and dry them and then pick up the smartphone you haven’t wiped off in two years and march toward your inevitable demise.
That’s a fine approach if you don’t care about winning. (“Winning” is the epidemiological term for surviving a global pandemic.)
But I’ve developed a better method: I wash my hands for 21 seconds. It’s a simple adjustment that makes me “1” more likely to survive—that’s just math.
After my superior hand-washing session, I spend another 21 seconds washing my phone. It no longer works, but it’s far safer than all other phones, which have effectively become petri dishes with apps.
We must protect the wealthy from coronavirus
As U.S. health officials analyze the scope of the coronavirus outbreak and work toward a vaccine, I’m concerned we are overlooking the needs of the rich.
They are our most valuable commodity and must be protected at all costs, and I’m saying that because I truly care and not because I want them to transfer money into my PayPal account, which is a thing I most definitely have.
As a person with a public platform, I believe it’s essential I stand up for our brave American private-plane owners, and I will definitely do that even if I don’t see a large bucket of money delivered to me in the next two days, probably.
I call on all nonrich Americans—except me, of course, as I’m playing a vital role in protecting the wealthy—to self-quarantine until this whole thing blows over. We can’t risk exposing any of our people-who-can-take-me-out-on-their-yachts Americans to this virus.
I will not rest until they all are safe, and if any of them happen to show their gratitude by buying me expensive cars, well, there’s nothing I can do about that.
We must also protect the poor
Once we’re sure the wealthy have been properly insulated, it is, of course, important that we take care of those who can’t afford things like a newspaper columnist/advocate or health care.
On Tuesday, President Donald Trump said of people without health insurance: “They have a big problem and we’re going to look at the uninsured people that, you know, this came out as a surprise to all of us. It just happened. It shows what can happen in life ... [we’re gonna] see if we can help them out.”
Given that this is the first time in history that a health issue has come out of nowhere and surprised Americans who don’t have health insurance, it will undoubtedly take the government some time to figure out the best response. You know, something that helps the poor when they’re struggling with a virus that could hurt the wealthy but continues to not help them when they’re struggling with something noncontagious, such as cancer.
I need to rent someone’s face
If there’s one thing the coronavirus scare has taught me it’s that I touch my face approximately 17,350 times a minute.
Health experts advise, along with the hand-washing stuff, that people avoid touching their faces, as that’s an easy way for nasty finger germs to find their way into unsuspecting face holes.
So I find myself in need of a rental face that I can touch repeatedly and for no apparent reason at all times during the day.
Because I recently received a large bucket of money that had nothing whatsoever to do with my “Vaccinate the Rich First” campaign, I will be able to pay the owner of this rental face quite well. Serious inquiries only, please.
One final tip: Surround yourself with children
One notable aspect of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19 is that it doesn’t seem to like children. Of the thousands of confirmed cases, very few have been kids, which is great, of course, because children are our future, but also because we can use them as shields against the virus.
Along with my rigorous hand- and phone-washing regimen and the rental face I keep with me at all times, I’ve also acquired an entire fifth-grade class from a suburban Chicago elementary school. (All I had to do was promise to build the school a new playground. You’re welcome, Principal You-Know-Who!)
Any time I leave the house, I have the fifth-graders encircle me, forming an impermeable virus-proof barrier. As a precaution, I give the children Pixy Stix filled with Emergen-C powder to boost their immune systems, and I force them all to wash their hands and phones every 10 minutes.
You can’t be too careful these days. Especially when there are rich people to protect.
Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.