“Harry Potter” is a popular book series by an author who, due to a recent string of controversies, will be referred to as She-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named. It tells the story of how a trust fund kid overcomes the odds to become a cop by harassing a man without a nose.

So dust off that cloak and show off your Deathly Hallows tattoo. Take the Pottermore quiz ahead of time to find out what Hogwarts house you’re in. For the uninitiated, Gryffindor is the jocks, Slytherin is the goths, Ravenclaw is the nerds and Hufflepuff is the theater kids.

If I were running this trivia night, I would ask questions like “Why don’t they use the time turner for anything besides getting Hermoine to class on time? Seriously, it would solve nearly every other problem.” Nobody would get any points because no one can give me an answer.

The rumors are true. I, myself, work at Lefty’s. Changing kegs keeps me in touch with the common man. Some people have asked me to help them cheat, but I’m not a parseltongue—I don’t speak to snakes.

I feel this will have a magical effect over the whole town. The Mountain Rides Blue Route will transform into the Hogwarts Express. The pool table at Lefty’s will transform into the Quidditch pitch. For those confused, I will translate—a pitch is what British people call a field. The kitchen will transform into the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Instead of Chocolate Frogs you can eat monkey fries and instead of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans you can eat monkey fries. I’m sure the Lefty’s staff would love it if you ordered a butter beer or polyjuice potion.

May the best Potterhead win. If your parents ever get on your case about being in your 30s and not having a career, just let them know you won “Harry Potter” trivia night at Lefty’s. And remind them your chihuahua “Dobby” is the only child you’ll ever need.