Horrorscopes

by CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

ARIES: (March 21-April 20) -- To ensure that your standards aren't too high, don't have any standards at all this week.

TAURUS: (April 21-May 21) -- Are you a person that collects things or just a hoarder with an agenda?

GEMINI: (May 22-June 21) -- Once you dislike everybody, you'll never be lonely again.

CANCER: (June 22-July 23) -- It's a heavy burden to hate everything. Talk to your taxi driver.

LEO: (July 24-Aug. 23) -- Honesty is the best policy after Photoshop.

VIRGO: (Aug. 24- Sept. 23) -- The "Ketchum krud" has given you the most incredible husky voice, which means you can now charge $19.99 a minute to anyone who calls.

LIBRA: (Sept. 24-Oct. 23) -- You'll be very relieved when people give you the silent treatment this week

SCORPIO: (Oct. 24-Nov. 23) -- Your boss will ask to see pictures of your children this week and you will have him arrested.

SAGITTARIUS: (Nov. 24 - Dec. 21) -- Your grandchild will tell you that she and her best friend own the color pink. It's not true. She is so full of it.

CAPRICORN: (Dec. 22-Jan. 20) -- Don't be afraid to dream this week. Reality isn't going anywhere.

AQUARIUS: (Jan. 21-Feb. 19) -- I liked hoarding much better when it was the theme for "Sanford and Son."

PISCES: (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) - You will high five a wall with your face this week. Remain calm.

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