Friday, January 11, 2013

Football and the flu


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

This weekend, the most important National Football League’s playoff games of the season will be played at the height of the “flu” season. How frightening is that? 

As many of you know, this flu season is going to be particularly bad and will force many of us to our beds for a few days to a week with body aches, abdominal pain, clammy feelings, coughing, sneezing, fevers and vomiting. 

Can you imagine what it would take to be stricken with this bug and forced to play professional football at its highest level? How the top players handle this influenza will determine which teams go to the Super Bowl. Oh, the humanity.

“All right, Brady’s back to pass. It’s a full-out blitz. He sidesteps—looks left and then throws … up.”

“Oh, my Lord, did you see that, Troy?”

“I sure did, Jack, I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t leave me, Troy. You’re the color guy. You have to describe what happened on the field. Troy? Well, ladies and gentlemen, let’s take you to another game already in progress.”

“Wow, I’ve never seen this before! The Seahawks have yet to break their huddle. Four linemen are on the ground, three players are reeling around and the rest are hacking and coughing, obviously in deep pain. Half the spectators here in Atlanta are headed for the exits. What is going on? Back to New York to J.B. and the guys.”

An empty set at “Football Sunday” is shown with the sounds of moaning offstage of Terry, Howie, Michael and Jimmy as they flee for the bathrooms of the Fox Studio.

“This is Bob Costas reporting from the Goodyear blimp high over the stadium, folks. This is something, I must admit, that I’ve never seen before in sports. Both teams are being carried off the field and the band is playing “Taps.” We’ll be right back.”

“Cold and flu symptoms got you down? Well, try Alka—“

“This is Jim Vance in San Francisco reporting. The replacement referees, yes, those guys, have been called in and the fans are coughing on them, barring them from the field. It’s chaos here and I’m afraid the game will be canceled. Back to the studio!”

Our regular programming has been canceled. Instead we present the Sunday Movie, “One Flu over the Cuckoo’s Nest.’

Get well soon and nice talking to you.




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