Friday, October 26, 2012

Snow!


By CHRIS MILLSPAUGH

I’m sorry, but snow on the 22nd of October, a week before Halloween? Come on! I’m not ready yet. I haven’t calked my door or bought my imitation logs. My winter wear is in the basement next to the “box of broken dreams.” Where are my gloves? Where are my Sorrels? Where’s the scarf? I don’t feel like digging out the driveway this morning. The snow slid off the roof onto my poppies. What kind of demise is that?

Just a few nights ago, I watched Steve D’Smith in “The King and I” and now I’m ‘D’diggin’! That’s not right! Who knew it would be cold enough to snow? I checked the Farmer’s Almanac and there was a face laughing at me. Now there’s seven months of winter? I can’t do that. I won’t do that.

I’ve decided that I will stay indoors until May just so I don’t have to start that shoveling routine. And, why not, I ask you? I don’t have to punch an alarm clock and get up for my job. I don’t have a job. I just write for a living. I’m an older man and loving it.

Sure, it’s pretty. So what? My 1984 Cadillac Coupe Deville is a perfect cold weather/snow automobile. It just doesn’t like it. Even though I’ve converted it into a hybrid with a remote electric starter that sits on my TV, I would prefer not to drive around on slick roads, again. I now have all my bills electronically deducted from my bank account and reside right next to a convenience store. I don’t have to travel. How important is the post office, anyway? I will settle down and cocoon for the winter. What about friends and family? That’s why God and Al Gore gave us the Internet and email. All I really need is a “Help, I’ve fallen down and can’t get up” life alert button. I fall, I call. Then, I ask them to bring a few items on my shopping list that I can’t get next door and, of course, I will tip 15 percent. 

OK, I can relax now. I’m all set for the cold season. Let it rip! I’ll be at home if you need me.

Nice talking to you.




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